Flaming Flower that Brightly Blaze

This is an open letter to all those with whom i have had (will have/ should have had) long conversation's on longer walks.




Earphones plugged to my ear to the phone. It’s been really really long since I have felt the music. I always listen to music. But after around 6-7 months am actually feeling it. Floyds ‘Learning to Fly’. Powerful baritone.

‘Cant keep my eyes from the circling sky. tongue tied and twisted. just an earthbound misfit I’ The music of my adolescence which somehow always saves me even now. Its loud. its really loud. I can feel rockets whizzing through my ears.. and it blurs out everything…

Its been so long since I enjoyed music. Not the usual enjoying, but where its as if u r floating in a surreal world. I don’t know, I don’t if u can understand this feeling I am explaining. I can’t put it in words. Am writing all this in word pad. Don’t know what I will do with this, but u don’t know how happy I am. I had thought I had lost something, remember I had told u that I had stopped feeling that peace. That peace inside me, it came back today. After a really really long time. It came back.

I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know how to explain the pain that I have been feeling all these days and the happiness that I am feeling today.

Today morning I woke up and before going to office prayed to the God that my roomie prays to and just stepped out of the house. And then on life was different.

I danced like a maniac today once I came back from office. I closed my eyes and just drifted with the music. One moment there was tears flowing. I was so happy. I danced like there was no tomorrow. There was no tomorrow. When I reached back from office my roomie was very depressed so I asked her to put music and then we started dancing, then my second roomie came. She got promoted in office today and we just danced.

I love my life and I love my God and I love my roomies. I am thankful to them. Today I helped people in office. There is this new girl who has joined our team. She gets anxiety disorder and has been on anxiety pills. I hugged her and told her not to worry. I hope I am helping her to like this place a little bit more. I know how difficult it was for me.

Don’t know. Feel so happy that words are just poring through me. Don’t know, didn’t do anything great. But by itself dark clouds parted today K..

I don’t know if u know heaviness of heart. I don’t know if u have felt it. It’s very painful. You actually feel as if your heart is heavy. This heaviness that just weighs you down. You just sink down. Everything seems dark.

And today everything just changed. I was so scared of today, but I survived today. Similarly I will survive tomorrow, and I will survive the next day. I will take one day one by one.

I will stare into the shining sun.

Today I stuck this to my cubicle walls:
‘Once ride a wild horse into the sky,
Hold tight to his wings before u fall,
Whatever else u leave undone
Once ride a wild horse into the sun’
My favorite poem in the world.

The last I enjoyed/felt music was when I was in sector 14, Gurgaon(6 months back, sector 14 is btw my most fave place of the past 3 years). Those were the days of Last kiss, Enjoy the ride, Falling slowly, Blower's Daughter, Cannonball pulsating thru me as I walked my life away. And today life just came knocking about saying there’s so much to enjoy . There’s so much to enjoy.
I worked like crazy today in office.. I decided that I will not let anyone make me feel like crap or inadequate today. I just kept doing what I felt like doing. I should have called my parents today. They would have been happy to see/hear their daughter happy . But guess today was the day for foolish dances, rocky mountain cakes and night time drives.. I drove at night today, for the first time.. Twas awesome..

Maybe I am not in an open market or garden (Which is one of the 4 fave places of mine, the other being my room back home and the beach of my youth) but rite now I feel as free and as peaceful as ever, sitting in the red bedroom with red bedsheets. I feel the same peace. I asked for peace yesterday and without rhyme or reason God gave it to me today. Mebbe it will not last long. But today feels like eternity. And the memory of today is enough for me to know that for all 20 really crappy days there will be one really really super-terrific delicious day like today which will make the next 20 crappy days manageable. If I even have 6 more days like this in the next 2 years, it’s enough for me. What else is there in life other than these moments. The rest is all a blur.

Remember: “Life is made up of moments and it’s for these moments that we give our life” As an eighteen year old I had pinned these words to my cupboard door J (It was my mantra then, don’t know how much I lived by it though)

God gave me strength today. He gave me myself. I don’t know why or how I deserve this beautiful feeling I am feeling today. But right now its peace.

Be happy and always strive to feel the music when u r alone and earphones are plugged to your ears.. Nothing beats that.